Metalocalypse - Extreme Makeover:
Mordhaus Edition (PG)
"Now," Ty Pennington began, standing behind the Extreme Makeover bus with the band, "we all know that we have a very special family here –"
"Mr Penningtons?" The presenter turned to Toki, listening. "We's not a family."
"I know you're not related," he smiled awkwardly to the camera, "what I mean is that you're like a family to each other."
"No," Skwisgaar interjected. "We's really not." The rest of the band mumbled in agreement.
Ty hesitated, awkwardly. "Okay, well, we have a very special group of people –"
"Whaddya mean by schpecial?"
The presenter started again. "We have a bunch of people here...?" – Nathan nodded, approvingly – "... who have been through a real tough time over the past year." He looked to the camera, sadly and continued in a hushed voice. "These guys not only had their home destroyed through a devastating attack, but also lost their manager, who was tragically killed by the attackers."
Offdensen ducked behind Nathan, trying to look inconspicuous. Nathan lowered his head to whisper. "Should we mention that we fixed Mordhaus?"
Offdensen shook his head. "I think it's best if we don't just now, Nathan."
Ty continued to the camera, oblivious. "Now, while we can't replace their manager –"
"Damn right," Nathan muttered.
"–we've been here over the past few days to try to replace their home, and give them a fresh start, a new beginning." The band looked at each other dubiously. "We've taken all of their interests into consideration, and come up with something that we think the whole band can enjoy."
Murderface looked up with a hint of excitement on his face. "It's got a torture chamber?"
"What's about the house for the old ladies?" Skwisgaar cried.
"I want a Jacuzzi," Pickles chipped in, "and a bar! A cocktail bar in the Jacuzzi!"
Ty grinned nervously, flashing white teeth. "Heh, ah... Perhaps we should move the bus?"
"Yeah," the band cheered. "Move that bus!"
With a rumble, the huge bus separating the band from their new home rolled away, leaving the men standing in stunned silence.
"Oh, fuck me."
They looked upon their new home – a path of stepping stones led past a white picket fence to the quaint wooden porch, surrounded by pansies and begonias. The cottage itself was made of white bricks, with hanging baskets of wildflowers suspended from either side of the green wooden door. Lace curtains hung inside the windows, through which floral furniture was clearly visible.
Nathan looked at Offdensen, aghast. "Do we have to live in that? Isn't there, like... anything you can do?"
Offdensen nodded and pulled out his Dethphone, thumbing in a number.
"So guys," Ty enthused, breaking the unusual silence, "lost for words, huh?"
"I can thinks of some words," Skwisgaar muttered.
"Well, hey," Murderface grunted cheerfully as he stepped forward, "at leasht we got a bathroom." He proceeded to tread heavily across the new lawn and urinate over the begonias, much to the gardening team's dismay.
"So, what do you think of your new home?" Ty grinned eagerly.
"I think," Offdensen coolly stated as he put his Dethphone away, "that we should get out of the way." He walked hurriedly from the cottage with the confused band in tow, before hastily breaking into a run.
"Why we gets out the way?" Toki panted as he sprinted from the rear of the group.
His question was answered by a load roar and an almighty boom, the ground shaking slightly beneath their feet as a cloud of dust and dirt filled the air.
As the debris settled and the band slowly came to stop, the answer became apparent. The recently airborne fortress of Mordhaus had just been replaced to its previous location (which had been occupied by the new cottage and the Extreme Makeover crew until seconds ago), assisted by gravity and little else.
"That's much better," Nathan declared, looking up at the dragon's head chimney, back in its rightful position.
Offdensen smiled in amusement. "Welcome to your new home, Dethklok."
"Mr Offdensen?"
"Yes, Toki?"
"Can we has the white picket fence? That was brutal."
"Mr Penningtons?" The presenter turned to Toki, listening. "We's not a family."
"I know you're not related," he smiled awkwardly to the camera, "what I mean is that you're like a family to each other."
"No," Skwisgaar interjected. "We's really not." The rest of the band mumbled in agreement.
Ty hesitated, awkwardly. "Okay, well, we have a very special group of people –"
"Whaddya mean by schpecial?"
The presenter started again. "We have a bunch of people here...?" – Nathan nodded, approvingly – "... who have been through a real tough time over the past year." He looked to the camera, sadly and continued in a hushed voice. "These guys not only had their home destroyed through a devastating attack, but also lost their manager, who was tragically killed by the attackers."
Offdensen ducked behind Nathan, trying to look inconspicuous. Nathan lowered his head to whisper. "Should we mention that we fixed Mordhaus?"
Offdensen shook his head. "I think it's best if we don't just now, Nathan."
Ty continued to the camera, oblivious. "Now, while we can't replace their manager –"
"Damn right," Nathan muttered.
"–we've been here over the past few days to try to replace their home, and give them a fresh start, a new beginning." The band looked at each other dubiously. "We've taken all of their interests into consideration, and come up with something that we think the whole band can enjoy."
Murderface looked up with a hint of excitement on his face. "It's got a torture chamber?"
"What's about the house for the old ladies?" Skwisgaar cried.
"I want a Jacuzzi," Pickles chipped in, "and a bar! A cocktail bar in the Jacuzzi!"
Ty grinned nervously, flashing white teeth. "Heh, ah... Perhaps we should move the bus?"
"Yeah," the band cheered. "Move that bus!"
With a rumble, the huge bus separating the band from their new home rolled away, leaving the men standing in stunned silence.
"Oh, fuck me."
They looked upon their new home – a path of stepping stones led past a white picket fence to the quaint wooden porch, surrounded by pansies and begonias. The cottage itself was made of white bricks, with hanging baskets of wildflowers suspended from either side of the green wooden door. Lace curtains hung inside the windows, through which floral furniture was clearly visible.
Nathan looked at Offdensen, aghast. "Do we have to live in that? Isn't there, like... anything you can do?"
Offdensen nodded and pulled out his Dethphone, thumbing in a number.
"So guys," Ty enthused, breaking the unusual silence, "lost for words, huh?"
"I can thinks of some words," Skwisgaar muttered.
"Well, hey," Murderface grunted cheerfully as he stepped forward, "at leasht we got a bathroom." He proceeded to tread heavily across the new lawn and urinate over the begonias, much to the gardening team's dismay.
"So, what do you think of your new home?" Ty grinned eagerly.
"I think," Offdensen coolly stated as he put his Dethphone away, "that we should get out of the way." He walked hurriedly from the cottage with the confused band in tow, before hastily breaking into a run.
"Why we gets out the way?" Toki panted as he sprinted from the rear of the group.
His question was answered by a load roar and an almighty boom, the ground shaking slightly beneath their feet as a cloud of dust and dirt filled the air.
As the debris settled and the band slowly came to stop, the answer became apparent. The recently airborne fortress of Mordhaus had just been replaced to its previous location (which had been occupied by the new cottage and the Extreme Makeover crew until seconds ago), assisted by gravity and little else.
"That's much better," Nathan declared, looking up at the dragon's head chimney, back in its rightful position.
Offdensen smiled in amusement. "Welcome to your new home, Dethklok."
"Mr Offdensen?"
"Yes, Toki?"
"Can we has the white picket fence? That was brutal."